Once Upon a Time-Episode 16 Recap

This week on Once Upon A Time: Dwarves are hatched! Mary Margaret is a Harlot and Emma is the voice of reason!

Off in fairyland we see the boob Blue Fairy hovering in the clouds, patiently awaiting the arrival of her apprentice, Nova, a lovable but oh-so-clumsy fairy, which proves that even in fair tale land you have to be an utter halfwit if you ever expect a man to love you.  She is so clumsy that Blue Fairy informs her (not too kindly, I might add) that she won't be a fairy godmother as she hopes to be. Meanwhile, Nova accidentally drops some fairy dust on a bunch of eggs. One of them starts to hatch and out comes....a dwarf??? That's right all, dwarves are hatched! I mean, nevermind the impossibility of this, I'm sure even the children watching this show are all "bitch, please". Not that I think children should be watching this show, but anyway. This newly hatched dwarf is Dreamy and after he gets his beard trimmed by an older wiser dwarf, it's off to the mines for him and his seven compatriots. Dreamy is skeptical about this. First of all he is told there are no female dwarves, he will never have a family and is going to spend the rest of his life in the mind.  He asks the older dwarf if they like this. "Oh yes, we love it, we even whistle while we do it". HAHAHAH!  I'm so sure!

Back in Storybrooke, Emma is doing some solid police work and investigating Kathryn's untimely (or timely, depending on how you look at it) disappearance.  Mainly she takes photo's of the car and drinks coffee until Sidney shows up and is like "I think we should check her phone records y'all, I've just been on the phone to Regina and she's made some up!" For someone who says she knows when someone is lying, Emma sure believes a lot of lies. Meanwhile, Mary Margaret is trying to recruit volunteers for the annual Miner's Day festival. Apparently this is a time when, historically,  the Nun's (Nuns? In Storybrooke) traded candles with the Miners but now it is just a big party, except that MM's faithful volunteers have dropped out since she is now a home wrecking slut as opposed to lovable kindergarten teacher. I think this show has gone to Ginnifer Goodwin's head-did you see what she wore to the Oscars? What was that?? Anyway, I digress. She bumps into Dreamy's real world counterpart, Leroy, the town drunk (since when do drunks drink Decaf??) who, among other people, does not want to help her. She bitches to Emma for a while about this, but Emma is like "what miners? In MAINE? Nuns? WTF?" Once that's settled she tells MM to buck up, and accept that she has made a mistake, time to move on. Emma truly is the voice of reason on this show, even if her cop skills are minimal. Leroy is walking by when the lovable nun version of Nova drops something on his head, he is instantly smitten and after some fancy technician work she declares him her hero. Aww. Too bad she's a nun! I guess it's okay though since the Debbie Downers who wrote this show don't think dwarves like sex anyway!  I mean they come out of EGGS. Back in Fairy Tale Land something similar is happening, after Dreamy saves some of Nova's precious fairy dust she tells him (HINT HINT) that she is going to be seeing the fireflies tonight. He is like, "cool, see ya later". Later, at the pub, Dreamy is complaining that he can't eat, he feels weird, he has never felt this way before, etc. Belle, who is nursing her wounds in the same bar tells him he's in love. She gives him the 'it's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all" pep talk. She seems a bit bitter, but what can you expect from someone who was in love with a man who was half toad? Then she kindly lets him in on the secret that Nova wasn't just telling him her daily routine, she wants him to come see the fireflies too! Aww. Nova and Dreamy look at the world and make plans to run away together.

Back in Storybrooke we learn that the Nova Nun has gotten the Nunnery into some financial troubles with her tragic stupidity  adorable clumsiness, and Leroy vows to help them out of it, before they get evicted, by selling all the candles. MM and Leroy go off to sell the candles but they are being shunned for being a 'harlot' and a drunk. Really, a harlot? Am I still in 2012?? Also, I think their problems with selling the candles has more to do with the candles being ugly and boring than anything. I mean, I know they are nuns but couldn't they add some bling or colour even, to the candles? After they attempt to sell them door to door, Leroy attempts to sell his boat, which he planned to sail around the world in, to Mr. Gold. Mr. Gold looks dubious and when Leroy tells him it's for the nuns, Mr. Gold is like, "OH HELL NO, I HATE THE NUNS." Who can hate nuns? Has he never watched any movies? Nuns are lovable! Leroy even tells Astrid/Nova that he has sold all the candles and she brings him a pie to thank him, only to realise  that he hasn't sold them at all. Since it is now Miner's day and no candles have been sold Leroy takes radical measures and climbs up on top of a building. MM is like 'DON'T JUMP, IT'S NOT THAT BAD' and he's like "bitch please, suicide is for losers" and takes out the electricity for the town so he and MM can do some serious candle selling. It works and they sell  all of the candles.

Meanwhile in Fairy tale land, Dreamy is sneaking off to run away with Nova when his master-type person rolls up and reminds him Dwarves can't fall in love, to prove his point Blue Fairy also rolls up and is like "Yeah, he's right, besides Nova wants to be a Fairy Godmother and you'd be taking this away from her". Blue Fairy is a beeyotch because didn't she just tell Nova that she will never be a Fairy Godmother? Anyway, Dreamy believes them and tells Nova he can't be with her. When he returns to the mine he promptly breaks his ax (the axes tell them their true Dwarf names, and they never lie! They're like the wands in Harry Potter.)He gets a new ax which tells him his new name is Grumpy.

In Storybrooke things are looking up for MM when Granny lights her candle (OOER) and the townspeople are beginning to forgive her for her 'harlot' ways. Fickle townspeople. Things are looking worse for David though, since Regina has made it look like he was the last person Kathryn talked to before disappearing. I'm not sure that, even if this were the case, it would warrant hauling him off to the police station but in any case this is what happens. Join us next week when that tart Red Riding Hood/Ruby gets her episode! Hopefully she's the solid badass I think she is!