I would like to preface this review with a conversation that I had with my cousin this week. More or less it went like this: "I love netflix" "me too, it has so many bad movies. Megashark Vs. Giant Octopus for example" "What about Blood Monkeys?" "That one was good too". This just proves that a passion for bad, even, really bad movies runs in the family. Dragon Crusaders was new on Netflix this week and yikes, this is one for the books. The first 5 minutes or so mainly consisted of various actors grunting and stabbing each other for no apparent reason. I would love to give some rundown of the plot but,er, I can't. Basically there are some Templar Knights who a.) can't speak (for real, I don't think any one of them gets more than 3 lines )and b.) have been banned from the Kings realm for some reason. They are out surveying the land or something when they find a town being slaughtered by pirates. The pirates do not get any lines. By the time our 'heroes' have arrived the town is dead so they do what anyone would do and chase the pirate boat. When they arrive there they find a girl doing some magic spell that will turn them into flying gargoyles. As one knight and my sister points out-why would you turn your enemies into giant flying monsters capable of way more damage than before? Anyway, they are all about to become gargoyles now. In the meantime the pirates come back to life as zombies and some woman with no pants shows up to help them with her super awesome fighting skills. They annihilate the zombies with their bad dialogue and then learn that they have to kill the evil...Black dragon, who controls seven dragons, an extra black dragon and the gargoyles. They go to kill the Black Dragon and end up killing, basically everyone else they encounter before turning into gargoyles. Then turning back! Holy crap. I have seen some (a lot) of bad movies but this one was especially bad. Usually I reflect to myself "WHO WROTE THIS"? but I didn't even have to wonder who wrote this because I don't think anyone did. I mean, my dog could come up with more compelling dialogue, when there was any dialogue at all that is. Just like Shakira's lyrics are 85% nonesense, this film was 85% grunting and gibberish. The special affects were horrible and most homemade youtube videos are better edited than this "movie". But since I think we should judge movies by what genre they belong to I think Dragon Crusaders deserves a 10/10 for complete fuckwittery. Let's consult the WHAT THE CRAP-O-METER.
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