Where life is crap

Recently two crappy things have happened to me which made me think more about myself and my life (as crappy things will). First I split with my boyfriend of three years (or he split with me since he was seeing someone else) and I scared away some customers with my "rudeness". The fact is people break up, it happens all the time but for some reason I am filled with some kind of rage which I didn't know existed in me. Why? I'm not sure. On one hand it's all the people saying, 'be strong' 'you'll get over it'. I don't want to get over it, there's nothing to get over, I'm fine, I'm a woman of the 21st Century I definitely don't need a man! On the other hand, I'm hurt. I stood by this guy when everyone around me was telling me to break up with him. I defended him, through and through, but hey, I guess they were right. Somehow I imagine his new fling smiling smugly to herself--that's what I would do if someone left their long term partner for me, obviously she must be boring and ugly or he wouldn't have left her. I guess this is a blame the victim mentality. It's easier to imagine that there is something horribly wrong with me then maybe, he's just indecisive. So while I am furious thinking of being laughed at, my more furious at him telling me "oh it must be really hard". Yes. You would like to think, wouldn't you, you're so hard to get over. The fact is, this is what I wanted for a long time. There was a time when I hated him so much that I provoked him constantly, hoping that he would actually leave. I was surprised by his resilience. And by mine. Before I met him I was pretty happy with myself, I was a hard worker, well read, intelligent, witty and confident in my own good looks. I remember a conversation with some coworkers where one said that if someone called her a certain name (be it a bitch or whatever) she would be really hurt. I said, to my own amazement, "no, what really hurts is being called a lot of names over a long period of time". Over the course of my relationship I heard I was boring, embarassing, unattractive, had bad taste, couldn't write. Alternately there was silent treatement or being too much of a "burden". OK, boo hoo, that sucks, I'm not whining, I'm just saying that, THAT makes me angry, that I, someone who used to be confident of my own intelligence and style am now in the position of questioning myself about things I used to take for granted. I'm mad because it's my concern that makes me look stupid. The other day the former bf sent me a message saying he had ended it and was really down. I was concerned, I don't want him to be miserable, but when I called he was at the house of his new fling, preparing for a quiet night in. I was livid, now I look desperate when all I wanted was to cheer up what I thought was my depressed ex. That's when the "oh you must be really suffering" happened. I was pissed. I'm not saying I was perfect throughout the course of the relationship but I have tried to be kind and supportive to someone who was depressed a lot, who had a seemingly unending stream of problems, who I tried my best to be good to. Nothing infuriates me more than the conversations I have with him where I am talking, frustrated or hurt and all he does is make little ticking noises, implying that my problems are too stupid to even dignify a response, that any complaint I have about the current situation is completely unbiased. . I don't know what this all means, probably nothing. Maybe it means that I'm not worth it, at least it certainly makes me question my own worth. Maybe if I was prettier or smarter or had a cooler job or had more degrees this wouldn't have happened. Maybe if I was a better person or cared less. But maybe it's not about me at all. On one of my last nights in Barcelona my roommate, who I adored, drunkenly told me I was sooo beautiful. A friend told me I should publish my writing. There's nothing wrong with me, minus my uncontrolled temper. I wish I hadn't let a boy destroy my sense of self. I wish I knew he was going to be happy but I can already see the new relationship going the same way as ours did. I wish things were different but that's out of my control but I know he's wrong about one thing. I don't feel terrible. I feel fine.

The other, less dramatic event happened in the restaurant where I work. Some customers came in the other day, and asked for a booth. It always alarms me the vehemence with which people want to sit in a specific spot. Anyway, we have one table which is half-booth, half chairs. They didn't want to sit there, there was one other booth available which was dirty. I said I would clean it, honeslty, not in the nicest way possible. The fact is, I'm a bit sensitive and they had been quite rude to me since they came in. I wasn't feeling hospitable anymore since MY feelings were a bit hurt. They decided to stay at the dreaded half booth and  I brought them their drinks. The mother snapped suddenly "ONE OF THEM SHOULD HAVE BEEN A KIDS DRINK". OK, I often bring a large cup to kids that are a bit bigger because a.) they don't like being treated like kids and b.) they don't need a refill every ten seconds. I told them it was ok because they were all the same price, meaning that they wouldn't be charged for the drink. Anyway, after some kerfuffle they got the right size of drink. They were still complaining after I came back. I tried to explain again that they wouldn't be charged. They were still mad and finally got up and left claiming I had been to rude to them. Or as, they sad "you made us feel bad". I was quite livid at this point, after making me run around like a chicken with my head cut off for ages they were going to leave because I was too rude! I told them " YOU made ME feel bad!" to which they replied that it didn't matter since I was there to serve them. I was quite angry by now and ready to call down fire and brimestone on them. The fact is that I wonder what life has come to that people expect that they can be rude to waiters or people in general who work in the service industry. Sometimes I want to tell people, hey, I make a lot of money and am more educated than you! But that doesn't solve the issue. Why do people feel so self satisfied when they've belittled someone else, and why am I obligated to be polite to customers who are rude and obnoxious? This also makes me question my worth, I mean, does my job really mean that I am lower than all the rednecks that come into my restaurant,  do I deserve to be treated like crap? Sometimes, I think so. It happens quite often at least. Look, I'm not making a crisis out of nothing, my world isn't over because my customers got mad. I'm just saying to the readers out there, please be nice to your server, we are people too! And, more importantly, we handle your food.

What can we learn from all of this? People are crap. No, honestly, I don't know. Ah yes, I do. People are crap. We treat each other badly because we can. People are rude to waiters because they can be. Is my ex going to be lovely and sweet to this girl forever and ever? Probably not. Why? Because he doesn't have to be. When he leaves he'll feel bad because he likes to feel bad for himself, but concern for others. Nah, who needs it?