Once Upon a Time-Episode 12 Recap

Happy Belated Valentines day all, now let's recap the last episode of Once Upon a Time. I have to say, this episode really did bring it, for a change. It's Valentine's Day in Storybrooke and in true holiday spirit Mr. Gold takes some unsuspecting bloke's van, filled with roses, as "collateral" for some unpaid debt. I really do not understand the stupidity of the folks of Storybrooke. I mean, clearly they all are afraid of Mr. Gold and yet they rush to him at the first sign of financial difficulty, even though they will not have a hope in hell of repaying their debts. Anyway, I digress. Meanwhile, Mary Margaret and David continue their 'torrid' affair, if by torrid you mean discussing books while sitting at different tables in the sluttiest 'cafe' in the world. For reals, I love Red Riding Hood's character because she has the trashiest outfits ever! Nonetheless, Mary Margaret and David may be having a boring affair but it's still an affair which means they've shot to the top of my douchebag-o-meter. Let's see where they rank:

 While Red Riding Hood, or whatever her name is, is ready for a singles night out on the town, Cinderella is pining away for her boyfriend who works in a factory of some sort (wasn't his dad rich? what happened? Did he get cut off from the family fortune?), who is busy working all the time to SUPPORT THEIR FAMILY, WHILE SHE SITS AT HOME AND BITCHES. Mary Margaret is depressed because she is an uber douchebag. Meanwhile Emma is off doing cop things and not bothered at all about being single on Valentines day. Way to be Emma, way to be. Casa de Gold, unfortunately, gets broken into by the man who had his van stolen, and who can blame him? Emma investigates the situation. Mr. Gold says that he will handle things, which, well, we all know what that means. Emma is all 'oh hell no'. But, unfortunately, he is Mr. Gold. He rants and raves for about 25 days about how something precious has been taken from him. I knew he was Gollum. In any case, he busts Mr. Owner-of-the-van's ass, kidnaps him and takes him to a creepy shack where he puts the beatdown on him WITH HIS CANE. Mr. Gold has just opened a new can of bad-assery. And this show has opened a whole new can of not-a-family-friendly-show. Back at the girls night out, Mary Margaret is a twat, Red Riding Hood is awesome and Cinderella contemplates starting an affair, because what this show really needs is someone who has a loving boyfriend who works hard to take care of them to start an affair. Uff.  Prince Twatsicle Charming, in the best moment of this episode, gives Mary Margaret the wrong Valentines day card. HAHAHA.  If you are going to get two women Valentines day cards you really have to plan that better. Oh poor Charming, he needs to be chucked from a cliff. Mary Margaret is like, maybe this isn't meant to be. No shit. We've already seen this episode 6 times! Just in the nick of time, Mr. Cinderella shows up and purposes. Barf.

Meanwhile in Fairy Tale Land, Rumplestiltskin shows up at some King of Somewhere's house who is losing the Ogre Wars. (Hehe) Good old Rumpie says he will help them win if he can have Belle (Emilie De Ravin of LOST) come to his house and take care of his affairs. It's not what you think, he needs someone to clean his dusty house, which, by the way, looks like something a Royal would have lived in in the 70's. Anyway, she is engaged to Gaston who, frankly, would have his arse handed to him by the Disney Gaston in a fist fight. She is not, as such, a fan of Gaston so she is like "please, please, take me with you, er, I mean, ok, I guess I'll go, for the good of the kingdom and all". Of course, we all know where this going. Rumpie and Belle fall in love. It's sweet! It's romantic! I love this story line. Emilie De Ravin is adorable! She does however break one of his teacups, and since she has seen enough television to know that baddies don't like their tea cups broken, she apologises profusely. He is like..."whatever, it's just a teacup, yo". Anyway, finally he realises he is in love with her so he does like the cheesy sayings say and lets her go. Along the way she meets the Evil Queen and her stupid looking guards. The Queen, who somehow knows what's going on here,-is she physic or what??- tells Belle that she just has to kiss Rumpie and he will turn normal. Oh Evil Queen. Belle likes Rumpie but isn't a huge fan of his greenish sheen so she goes home and lays one on him. He's into it, except he starts turning normal and is onto the Queens plan so he huffs off and throws her in the dungeon. She tells him he is an idiot and goes home to her kingdom and Gaston. Or wait, not Gaston because old Rumpie offed him. Anyway, Evil Queen shows up to brag about her victory and tells him that because she has lived with him her family didn't trust her and she killed herself. My lie detector is going off but Rumpie's isn't. He treasures her broken tea cup forever.

Back in Storybrooke, Emma busts Mr. Gold beating the crap out of a random guy and asks him what is going on. At first I totally thought she was going to let him go but then she did the sensible thing and arrested him. It turns out all this violence is related to the tea cup which was missing. The Evil Queen/Mayor visits Mr.Gold, hands over the elusive teacup and asks him who he is. He says....RUMPLESTILTSKIN. HURRAY AND LACK A DAY, SOMETHING MYSTERIOUS IS HAPPENING!! But wait, it gets better. The Evil Queen then goes into a secret hideout under the hospital where some woman with whacked out hair is waiting. Then we find out that Belle is alive and trapped in a prison cell under the hospital. We can only imagine what evilness the Queen/Mayor has intended but I give a round of applause to the writers because I actually didn't want this episode to be over!