Fromage Part 4-The Queen's Captive

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Mayhap are we never to be done with this book? When I was in Eighth Grade our teachers made us watch some low budget (let's face it, it was probably the BBC and/or CBC) production the evil torture devices that they used in The Tower of London back in the day. I'm not really sure what educational benefit this had but-hey, gross things to show teenagers! Anyway, I feel that most of Barbara Kyle's 'inspiration' came from these exact videos.

Honor is abducted and tortured on the rack, by John McSnoozeville Grenville, for many months (we assume) while hubby, Richard, rots away. I think these chapters are supposed to be HORRIFYING and TERRIBLE but I found them more SNOOZE and YAWN. Eventually Honor is freed, although, in her words she is now 'damaged goods'. She begs Adam to rescue her husband and he comes up with a most sensible plan of getting engaged to Frances. They make out in a barn while Adam feels like a 'cad'. They are interrupted by...you guessed it-HORSE SEX. Yee haaaw! Except instead of the horses just doing the nasty Grenville the douchebag appears to castrate the horse who limps of all unsatisfied and bleeding and eww. I have absolutely no idea what the purpose of this scene is. John Grenville is a huge jerk? It can't be to establish that he is a villain because we already know that due to the scar fingering incident.

Meanwhile Richard gets out of jail and starts raising an army which Honor discovers due to the horrible lying efforts of her sister or sister in law or somebody. Anyway, she is mad but they have sex in a barn too! Yee Haw. Oh please, I don't want to know about Honor's 'inexperience with men' when she was a teenager..oh, too late. Damn.

Princess Elizabeth has, meanwhile, also accidentally got engaged to someone she doesn't want to marry. (Big surprise, that seems to happen a lot in this book). She runs away with Adam and they have sex in a barn. Yee---oh never mind, this is the worst sex scene ever. The gist is, good old P Elizabeth has missed a few vital sex education classes but anyway, they manage to get it on. The only good part was when Adam took off his codpiece. I have a slight conceptual problem with this as, I mean, if he isn't even allowed to call her by her first name since she is a royal, it seems like beheading is the only thing that can come of deflowering her.
We are informed several times that this the HAPPIEST DAY OF ADAM'S LIFE.

I have absolutely had enough of all these characters, and frankly don't care what happens to any of them anymore. Adam agrees to marry Frances to keep all the family secrets hush hush. Richard gets attacked and kidnapped AGAIN. All their houses get burned down. If these people get kidnapped one more time...anyway, Honor's great plan is to get old P. Elizabeth to take the crown and make whatever laws she wants. She convinces Elizabeth but Elizabeth has other plans and gets herself named successor but doesn't free Richard. Honor takes matters into her own hands and gets into the Grenville's house and stabs him in the crotch. This book has way too much crotch stabnation and scar fingering for any book. She goes to jail but then the Queen dies and Elizabeth lets her go. Frances is 'with child', Adam is still a douchebag, everyone else is happy to see Honors daughter, Isabel, come home. Thank heavens this book has ended, the fuckwittery of these characters was reaching new levels! I am happy to say that I will not be reading any more of the books in this series. EVER.

Fromage -The Queen's Captive Part 3

Thursday, 27 October 2011

The Queen's Captive Chapters 13-19 Recap and Review

It is now some months later from where we left off last time and -wait what? no nursing back to health scenes? no secret sex having? no longing looks and wound cleaning? That's right, there are none. Note to Barbara Kyle--need to read more cheesy books, even Beauty and the Beast had a wound cleaning scene and that movie was for children! Anyway, it is now sometime in 1555 and Honor and her hubby, Richard, are strolling around town, while merry scenes of life in England pass them by. The dialogue is hilarious. It is all "shall we sup tonight?" "why yes, I love supping. Don't you? Godspeed. Some foul weather we're having!" Anyway, we know something bad is about to happen because people just don't go strolling around while boys toss bread about (this actually happens) without something bad happening. They go to see their good friend, George, only to find that he has been arrested and is about to be burned at the stake. They  do absolutely nothing about it but go off to see his burning-because who doesn't want to see their lifelong friends burned at the stake? Honor has flashbacks of the time she was nearly burned at the stake when suddenly-what ho! some hooligans try to rescue poor George but their attempts fail miserably and he dies. Honor mopes around for some time and then goes off to see the Queen again to report on Princess Elizabeth. There she encounters the evil Grenvilles who are all-"she's not Catholic. She's a TRAITOR." It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure THAT one out as Honor has done the poorest job ever of concealing her allegiances. Frances Grenville comes to the rescue though-even though she got some secrets from some crispy old priest about Honor's Wicked Ways- because she still has secret plans of the sex having with Adam. Honestly, this is the most boring sub-plot EVER. Meanwhile, in the House of Commons Richard is trying to get some law passed that would mean they aren't exiles anymore. These chapters are so dull, I think Barbara Kyle just transcribed some event from the Canadian House of Commons. Honor does not, as such, want to be burned at the stake AGAIN so she gets Richard and packs her trunks and make plans to hightail it out of there. Richard thinks running away is from losers so he decides to say to which Honor says "don't let the door hit you on your way out" and he is all "fine!" and then they go to divorce court and she gets the dog and he gets the house.

Meanwhile, Adam has gone to visit Elizabeth to brag about his 'big boat'. She is all, "uh I have no time for this peasant" and he is confused, once again. He has so far spent most of this book being confused and growing beards. He gets her to come talk to him and she is a pouty baby about it but eventually does it. She tells him that she has heard he is about to marry Frances. Oh, Frances, this is not how you lure a man! Anyway, Adam tells her, he is not marrying Frances and Elizabeth gets all husky voiced and says "show it to me". Adam is thinking to himself, what? right now? but we haven't even held hands yet? I was thinking-gosh she must be really into big boats if she wants to see his boat plans THAT bad. But no, she wants to see his scar from when he was shot. He takes his shirt off and she fingers his scar. I have never read a book with so much scar fingering in my life. He gets all turned on and they make out and she feels his 'hardness' and is surprised. What? Maybe they didn't have sex ed back then. Their make out session is interrupted by Honor informing them that Richard has been arrested. Adam and Honor do what any sensible people with a lot of contacts would do. They rally troops, raid the Queen's treasury and prepare for battle.  Princess Elizabeth throws a lot of temper tantrums but then changes her mind when she gets scared that she will "mayhap be dispatched to the scaffold". Honor tells her that she a whiny baby but then they remember their latin speaking bond and become friends again. The Queen surrounds Elizabeth's residence with guards and Honor has to sneak out with a load of money. They should really have invented notes by then. So off she goes carrying her weight in coins and dressed like a washing lady. She escapes the guards only to be busted by John Grenville, the dullest, scar fingering, villain of all time, who isn't fooled by her disguise. He stabs her and all the coins fall out of her costume and....that is all for this time!

Picture from michellerichmond.com

Fromage- The Queen's Captive Part 2

Wednesday, 19 October 2011
Here I am with my cup of tea on this brisk fall day, ready to bring you the highlights of The Queen's Captive.

The Queen's Captive
Chapters 4-12-Recap and Review


The Grenvilles-mortal enemies of the Thornleighs-are alarmed to find that they (the Thornleighs) are back in town. Until Frances, the lady of the house, meets Adam and decides she's going to jump his bones. Her flirting attempts are a bit weak if I might say so myself. She invites him to help her build a priory while secretly thinking that she wants him to master her like he masters his horse. Whatever that means. No, I'm only joking, I know what it means. OOER. Personally I think these thoughts are a bit unchaste for such a religious woman but anyway, we are in a period drama so-onward! Adam agrees to help her, even though he is secretly thinking-wtf? I am an atheist! What is a priory anyway? (Side note: Did they even have atheists back then? Just sayin') But he thinks helping her will help foster unity or something. His family is as dubious about this as I am! Also Frances' brother is set up as some sort of uber villian- he fingers his scar a lot (not a metaphor) and is a rapist. Unfortunately all this build up is for nought as he immediately disappears after the scar fingering incident. 


Meanwhile at Chez Princess Elizabeth, Honor is enjoying her career as laundress and proselytizer. She arranges a secret meeting for Elizabeth where they learn that the queen is going to have a baby and back in royal land things aren't going to well. There is much stab-nation between the Spaniards y los británicos. Honor uses her cunning wit and jewelry to convince Frances to take her to the Queen. (Apparently they are friends). Frances must be distracted by her burning loins because she agrees and off they go. The Queen is giant and pregnant and calls are her ladies over to celebrate, including Princess Elizabeth. They discover that the queen is not in fact pregnant after all. A fake baby! The intrigue! The drama! Either the queen is dumb or she was faking it which is still dumb unless she was planning on stealing a baby, which I guess could happen. Anyway, I digress. Adam meets Princess Elizabeth on a visit to his mother and nearly faints at the sight of her beauty. The book says it was her hair but I think it was a typo and should have said 'heaving bosoms'. The two become 'friends' with Frances skulking away at home and calling Elizabeth a whore, or daughter of a whore or something along those lines. Adam wants to build a big boat, because of course he does, and is chatting up the princess about it when she suddenly gives him a cold shoulder. He is all "what??" until he realises that she thinks he is using her. He goes back to apologize when he sees and arrow coming for the Princess and dives in front of her and gets shot, saving her life. Someone tells Honor and her hubby that Adam is dead but they obviously don't realise that they are in a period drama and that as Adam and Elizabeth haven't had sex yet, he can't possibly be dead. They rush to his bedside and we all know where this is going. Elizabeth will have to nurse him back to health which will give us plenty of time for potential sex-having and/or longing looks. 
However, those will have to wait until next time. 


Tea picture from Fat loss school

Fromage-A Book Club

As an avid reader I generally read whatever falls in my path. One genre I love to love and love to make fun of is-the "trashy" book genre: chic lit, best sellers, paperbacks. They are easy to read and can end a dull afternoon (not that I have any of those lately) and don't require much/any thought. As much as I love and thrive off of reading Shakespeare, the classics, "intellectual" books, I sometimes need a break. And to be fair, I truly believe that these authors like any other have a deep knowledge of their genre and fans and write accordingly. And the books are fun to read!

This month's fromage is The Queen's Captive by Barbara Kyle.

Chapters 1-3 Recap
Elizabeth is locked up by Queen Mary who is on a killing spree and butchering everyone who opposes her. This part is factual/somewhat factual.

Honor is an Englishwoman who has been exiled from merry old England. Her kiddies are up and leaving the nest, one is "with child" and off to the new world and one has just been dumped, which is convenient since the blurb says he is supposed to have a "connection" with Elizabeth. Honor gets called back to London to "advise" Elizabeth. Chapter Two ends with an ominous statement that Honor wants to make her Queen. Dramatic music please.

So far Elizabeth is a bit of a brat and basically throws a lot of non death related temper tantrums for someone who is supposedly about to be executed. And she speaks in Latin, which is good for her, I guess.

Chapter 1-3 Review
So far the fromage levels are low. The dialogue seems like it half came out of Coronation Street and half out of a BBC period piece production. Only one mention of 'bosoms'. I do enjoy the descriptions of the English country side and I suspect a pig roast is pending. Overall I am enjoying this so far!