Songs of the Humpback Whale-Part Four

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Chapters 55-72
Yaaay, we have finally reached the last section of this tripe. Joley continues his barrage of creepy incestuousness love for his sister, whining "I have believed in Jane for so long, and I have loved her so. I could never find anyone that measured up to her, which is why I've kept from marrying. What is the point of love unless I can have the ideal? " Sam and Jane fall more in love, Jane is totally useless at everything and Sam is a huge douche so I guess these two belong together. According to this book most people don't find their soul mate, jeez, patronizing much?  When they kiss Jane tastes of sassafras and cinnamon because, you know, of course she does. Oliver saves the whale and Jane and Sam have sex. Snore. It is the best sex ever, they didn't know it could be like this, blah blah blah, cliché, cliché, cliché. Let us reiterate that Jane is very sad and pathetic and has had a horrible life and that's why she needs a man to save her. That man is supposedly Sam but she can't have him because she is married to Oliver, but luckily she has a consolation prize in the form of her daughter. How do I put this delicately-what the fuck? Who are these people? Hadley and Rebecca fall in love, Rebecca catches her mom cheating on her dad and gets angry. Derr. Since Jane is as two faced and hypocritical as ever she makes Sam send Hadley away so that he won't sex up her daughter. Sam agrees for some inexplicable reason, okay, not that inexplicable since he wants to keep boinking Jane. He suggests they run away together and have loads of babies but at that inconvenient moment Oliver comes on the news declaring his love for whales Jane. Oh no, what will she decide? Just kidding, we all know she is going to completely choose the most insufferable and self righteous choice because that is what this book is about! Joley confronts Jane but for some reason wants her to go back to Oliver because...I don't know. He is in love with his sister and wants her for himself but wants her to make the right choice? Or something? I don't know. Oliver uses some hotline to find Jane and Rebecca but when he arrives he finds Jane and Sam sleeping together. He is, understandably, mad and he and Sam get into fisticuffs but they are interrupted by the realization that Rebecca is missing. They know where she is gone though, but for plot points it has to be Oliver and Sam who go and find her. After some shenanigans they find her and Hadley, having had the sex, on top of some cliff thing. After some argument Hadley tells Rebecca she has to go with her real dad and her new dad (just kidding) but they fight a bit and he  (Hadley) falls to his death from a cliff. Rebecca lets out an animal-like howl and starts trying to rip her heart out by clawing at her chest.She is taken to the hospital where everyone gathers around and nurses her back to health. After she is better, the happy family that is Oliver, Rebecca and Jane head home. At this point, since the end is nearing, everyone has their epiphanies. Joley tells Jane she is his and everyone else's anchor. Jane goes back to Oliver and decides to give it a go, she won't be able to forget Sam but then apparently she never forgot Oliver either, although it really seemed like she did. Oliver wants to make things right although it doesn't really seem like he does either. In short, they all don't really live happily ever after. Basically, I normally like unhappy endings but this just seemed so contrived to me. They are all unhappy because of their own poor choices, although, aren't we all really?

Fin
Next Fromage: Beautiful Darkness by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl

Fromage-Songs of the Humpback Whale-Part 3

Chapters 36-54
Can I start this recap by saying that it is not necessary for any book of this ilk to have this many chapters?? Anyway, I digress. Jane and Rebecca see a demolition, that's a whole chapter. I can't even explain the point of this...is it a metaphor? A whacky road trip adventure? Why is this here? Joley, creeper brother supreme and he of the very poorly thought out logic, writes Jane and Rebecca to tell them that they have to go back to the spot where the plan crashed when Rebecca was three. Furthermore, he claims that she survived the plane crash because at that time Jane and Joley (brrr) had been arguing about her on the phone and only souls that are at peace can go to heaven. Riiiiight. Then Jane recounts how she was sexually abused as a child. Of course she was, sexual abuse is the only way to give a character depth, right? Jane and Rebecca do go to the sight of the plane crash and they have many emotions. Yay for emotions! Meanwhile, Oliver, creeper dad supreme watches from his lawn chair. You see he caught up with them but can't bring himself to talk to them. Basically, as I said last time each section is pretty much the same. Joley writes creepy letters, Oliver tries to be nice but just ends up seeming deluded-I love my wife and all but WHALES ARE BETTER! Jane and Rebecca have fun road trip adventures. This time Jane also writes a letter to Joley saying that she was sexually abused but due to her chronic inability to do anything useful, she rips it up. Argh, They go to an aquarium. Oliver reminisces to a waitress about how sad his life is and how he fucked everything up and instead of telling him "damn right you did" she takes him to his house, where he has suddenly fallen ill and nurtures him back to heath. Yay for clichés!
Once again we cover the meeting of Sam and Jane. In case we didn't get this point already, they didn't like each other, Jane is a city girl with an expensive education and Sam is an agile simpleton farmer. (Note: I grew up on a farm,  I do not think farmers are simpletons, but this book clearly does!) The end (I wish.) Joley really loves working on the orchard. Here is a quote from him: "Look at the place, Jane! It's like God just dropped down this gorgeous hill and lake, and I have the good fortune to work here. If you can call this work. I fix the unfixable. I bring trees back from the dead." He looks into my eyes. "I've become mythic. The god of second chances." What kind of pompous arse refers to himself as a god?! Anyway, the point is Joley's purpose in life is to give Jane a second chance because, that's what brothers are for...? I also think this book needs to rethink it's definition of abuse. Not that I don't take abuse seriously but I think one slap in 25 years of marriage, while bad, doesn't necessarily get to be called abuse. Or do you disagree readers? Anyway,  Jane and Sam have an unfortunate run-in in the bathroom. Have you ever watched a sitcom? Then you  get the gist. Meanwhile Joley confronts Jane with the facts about her situation. Basically she has to make a decision and he knows what it should be. Of course he does. Hadley seduces Rebecca with his impressive knowledge of cow digestion. Sam prefers another technique...once he finally realises that he's in love with Jane (or whatever) they go fishing. Oliver recovers from his mini coma and is about to go get Jane when suddenly he sees, on the news, that a whale is trapped and decides he must go save it. I won't lie, this was absolutely my favourite part of the book. This guy is such an idiot that he thinks that going to save a whale will help him woo back his wife, even when, his whale oriented career is what got him into this mess in the first place, not to mention the fact that we've already hear about how Jane doesn't give two craps about whales. Solid plan, Oliver, solid plan. Not to mention that  at this point the writing feels so manipulative. I mean, we are supposed to believe that Oliver and Jane were once in love, but Picoult just makes Oliver seem like a tool. The problem is that, there should be something at stake for Jane, she should have a hard time choosing between the two men if there's going to be drama in the book but the book just makes it so obvious whose side Picoult is on. Anyway, that is where this section leaves off. Considering this is Jodi Picoult's first novel maybe I shouldn't be so hard on it?

Songs of the Humpback Whale-Part 2

Ooooh there were so many interesting developments in this next section that...oh wait, no there weren't. I don't understand how this book clocks in at three hundred and some pages because basically the same stories just keep getting told over and over, from different perspectives. Normally this is a writing style I like but the different perspectives didn't reveal any new information so it just felt as though you were reading and re-reading the book. Previously mortal enemies Jane and Sam have reconciled and now are lovers instead because that's how these things happen. Jane is fretting and worrying about telling Rebecca that she wants to boink another man even though she is technically still married to Rebecca's dad. Rebecca is too busy wanting to boink Hadley  to notice these developments. Hadley keeps telling Rebecca she's no kid, even though, um that's exactly what she is but he wants to boink her without consequences. Hey, whatever works. Jane and Rebecca have more roadtrip adventures, but I won't recap them as I'm sure you can imagine what they are. Flash forward/back (honestly, I don't know anymore!) Hadley pretends he doesn't like Rebecca but then they make out. Jane asks Sam about his orchard and he gets his panties in a twist because...once upon a time he was cross eyed and no girls liked him and then he went to college and no girls liked him either because he was a farmer. Yikes, Sam needs to reign in his emo-ness. Jane recaps her first sexual experience with Oliver. Snore. Then we learn about her first day on the orchard when she fell down in some sheep poo and Sam laughed at her. Well, I would have done the same. Poo is funny! Meanwhile Sam and Hadley continue their spree of prejudice against women who aren't farmers. Oliver is boring and Joley is super creepy. He doesn't like Oliver because he is bad for Jane and once had a sex dream about Oliver and Jane, which is too disgusting to even think about. On their road trip Jane and Rebecca buy a car, steal some money and then Rebecca gets her period. Well obviously this is a book about "womanhood" so I guess it was inevitable. The two 'ladies' (personally, I feel a lot of annoyance towards books that use the word 'ladies' in an non-ironical sense) go shopping and Jane buys some sexy underwear and lingerie because the only time she wore lingerie Oliver ripped it. Geez, Oliver can't do anything right in this book.On the other hand though,  Oliver nearly has a fling with a waitress and then kindly informs us that he only cheated on Jane twice but it didn't mean anything so everything is okay. Ha! I love this guy. He should write a self help book about douchebaggery. Joley writes more creepy letters to Jane. Jane and Rebecca go to the sight of the plane crash that Rebecca survived when she was three. Oh and Jane learns to swim. Yay?
Ugh everything about this book seems so tired and out dated, but then again it was written in 1992 so maybe I would have a different perspective if I had been reading it then?

Picture Credit

Fromage- Songs of the Humpback Whale-Part One

Jodi Picoult is one of those authors, for me at least, that has achieved at least some measure of literary recognition and yet, I find her books to be full of improbable plots, overdone clichés and characters I'd like to slap. Songs of the Humpback Whale is her first novel and one which I am finding disjointed and even annoying.

Chapters 1-18 
In this section we meet our characters, Jane (a speech therapist and mother), Oliver (her husband and a douchebag), Rebecca (their daughter), Sam (some guy with an Orchard), Hadley (some guy that dies) and Joley (Jane's brother and a somewhat questionable character).  Jane has an unhappy marriage and had an abusive father when she was growing up because... of course she did. I feel like writers are always like “well this character needs a troubled past...I know! Child abuse!” Now her husband is distant and, well, I don't know how else to put this... a douchebag. He's a famous Oceanographer which seems slightly improbable to me, but anyway, let's continue. The characters all get their turn at telling their side of the story. Jane is bored with her life and her boring underwear (more on that in a later section!) and her husband who doesn't seem to give a crap about her or their daughter. Rebecca is the daughter that Jane is somewhat jealous of. She is beautiful and young and full of life. However, when she was three Rebecca survived a plane crash, again, somewhat improbable but let's go with it!. One day Jane comes home from work, it's Rebecca's birthday but Oliver tells her he has important whale things to do. He really loves whales, which is about all we can deduce from his contributions to the story. Then she goes into her closet where she discovers that her shoes have been replaced by...whale tapes! Shit, I would be annoyed by that too! She drops the tapes over the stairs but then feels really bad until Oliver says she is a bitch. Ouch. She slaps him and has a complete overreaction thinking she's just like her father and etc. etc. etc. She takes Rebecca and they head out on a road trip. Flash forward some amount of time and some guy called Sam is comforting Rebecca after the death of some guy called Hadley. I seriously reread this 8 times or so because I was sure that I had missed something. I'm all for jumping back and forward in time but this was done in such an unorganised way that it just seemed confusing. Sam's story (so far) is he really likes apple trees, almost as much as Oliver likes whales. Oliver tries to work through what to do and eventually (among many ponderings about whales) decides to follow  his wife and daughter across the country. Jane calls her brother, Joley, another character that is just too creepy and improbable to actually exist. Joley tells her that he will guide her across the country (since she is a woman and clearly has no sense of direction at all!) with a series of misguided and creepy letters. He writes her the first letter saying that when they were kids he was always the beautiful one, even his name means pretty but hey, not to worry because he always loved his sister anyway. Thanks bro! Jane and Rebecca have typical road trip adventures: Indian Reservation! Sleeping under the stars! Not showering! Yay! Meanwhile future Rebecca is sad because this Hadley character has died and she was in love with him. Jane is in love with someone called Sam but she is dutifully going back with Oliver because she is just insufferable like that! Oliver is a douche. After a  lot of exposition we learn that Sam really loves apples because he works at an Orchard. He also had sex with his ex. Why this is in here we do not know. Hadley is some guy that Rebecca was in love with. After nearly being raped by some truckers (!!) she heads to his house and has sex with him for the first time. Unfortunately he promptly gets pushed off a cliff. Joley is just a bit weird, he keeps writing these romantic letters to his SISTER. Just eww. So far, I am unimpressed with this writing, it's so disjointed that I never know what exactly is going on and I have an extreme distaste for all of the characters. Just re-reading my recap I am thinking to myself "WHAT?"  Jane is annoying, Rebecca is full of shite, Joley is creepy and Sam and Hadley just seem like filler. But let's see what happens next!

Fromage-The Secret Shopper Unwrapped Part 3

Thursday, 08 December 2011

Things took a turn for the very weird in the next section, I was actually getting afraid of this book. Sandie goes with Toby, her uber charming boyfriend, to his mothers mansion for Chrimbo dinner, with her mother and grandmother. Pretty typical chic-lit fare, except that the "mansion" is old, falling apart and Sandie gets stuck in sort of "servants quarters". Toby's mother is some sort of evil, racist, drunk who does NOT make any sort of effort and/or Christmas dinner but does make lots of snide comments about Sandie and her unwanted pregnancy. Sandie doesn't tell Toby she is pregnant and still is dithering about about whether she will get an  "A-word" or not. Basically it is the most horrid Christmas ever. She runs away, as that seems to be all she does in this book. While she is away, Kelly does as she is supposed to for the evil, cigar smoking villain. Also, she has a "DARK PAST". WHAT WILL IT BE? I thought she was going to have been a prostitute or something fo' sure! Meanwhile, Emily's evil ex-husband has been spying on her via the evil teddy-bear and has learned that she spends the maintenance on things other than Freddie (her son) and then he threatens her and steals Freddie for Christmas holidays. Emily whines about this for a lot pages and her boyfriend Will is as fed up as I am with her. He tells her "maybe we should rethink our relationship" and she is like "OH NOOOOO HE IS LEAVING ME" because she also doesn't realise  that she is in a chic lit and it is one about Christmas and she definitely isn't going to get left on Christmas. Derr. Anyway, Grazia goes with her new hot boyfriend to his family gathering where she concludes that she has to break up with him because he will one day want kids and her womb is, apparently, a wrinkled prune. She runs away. I think I have identified the problems with modern society-everyone is running away from their problems like there is no tomorrow! She goes back to London where the two other girls are distraught and show up at her house and feast on fine Christmas cuisine and share their tackiest most favourite Christmas memories. All is not going well though. Kelly, suddenly decides she doesn't want to be a bad person and calls Al, some guy she works with who has high moral standards and also a past in the military. They head off to Sandie's in an attempt to avert disaster and the book, in an attempt to avoid disaster skips this scene. The gist is Al gets beat up and the house gets burned down. Sandie reunites with Toby and chooses this time when their flat has burned down and she has run off on him AGAIN, to tell him that she is pregnant. He is like "You were going to abort the baby without talking to me even though I don't think I want it or maybe I do, I HAVE NO IDEA." She is like ...eerrr, and you know she is about to run away again but she doesn't. Toby's evil mother shows up and tells her if she signs a paper that say she is gold digging slut and doesn't put Toby's name on the birth certificate she will get lots of money. Sandie is about to do it, since she loves being miserable, when Toby comes in and is all "my mom is a psycho, I want to have our baby!!!". YAY, they live happily ever after. Kelly confides her secret past of near rape to Al and they move in together and almost kiss but don't, but maybe later??? Who knows. Grazia is about to break up with Nigel when she is like "WAIT! I don't want to die alone after all" and they make out in a cab. Will comes back and tells Emily to get rid of her ex, make her own money and they will all live happily ever after. They all get chicken pox. Finally, they all resolve to be better people.
I have to say, this book was quite a cheese fest, which you know I like, but my one complaint is-this book has SHOPPING in the title, and absolutely no shopping in the book.

Fromage-David Bisbal

Thursday, 1 December 2011

I apologise, dear readers, for the lack of Fromage this week. I promise to finish The Secret Shopper Unwrapped next week. In lieu of that, I bring you some David Bisbal. Since it is dreary and wintery here is Oye El Boom, a cheese fest extrodinare, set in the tropics!

Oh dear. The fromage levels on this are through the roof! Enjoy and have a happy Thursday. xoxoxox

Fromage-The Secret Shopper Unwrapped Part 2

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Is it the 24th already? Where has the time gone? In any case, here is your Chapters 10-20 Recap and Review!

Grazia finds a toy-boy, who is a young and sexy Brit named Nigel. Yes. I am imagining that guy from So You Think You Can Dance, (which I haven't watched for years, but anyway). They get up to the usual shenanigans while her ego gets a huge boost. She also goes for cosmetic surgery and is happy to feel so young again. I feel a bit lost by her story line, but in any case I am greatly enjoying this book, it is a cheese fest! Sandie is still pondering if she should have the baby or abort it, except this book carefully avoids the word abortion. Grazia and Emily figure it out, because of her glow or something. They both think she should have the baby because they love kiddies. Sandie however is sure that her boyfriend is on the verge of leaving her although, obviously he is not, YOU ARE IN A CHIC LIT SANDIE, YOUR BOYFRIEND IS NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU UNLESS SOMEONE HOTTER AND BETTER IS WAITING AROUND THE CORNER. Instead he brings her to meet his mother who is some sort of uber rich ice queen. Sandie thinks that his mother is going to burn her and make racist remarks but instead she is just...a bit weird. Emily meanwhile is still trying to trick her boyfriend into having a baby with her. He is incredibly grumpy about it. Then, her ex husband Duncan shows up and is like "I don't want to pay the maintenance because you are just using for stupid things and having lots of sex with your new boyfriend."  First of all. In case you are Canadian/American, 'maintenance' is child support. It took me quite a while to figure this out. Secondly, Duncan also does't seem to realise that if you leave your wife she is allowed to have sex with whoever she wants and you still get to pay the child support/maintenance. Yikes. He seems like a super asshole so I hope he also gets his man bits injected with something.  Sandie dithers around for about 10 chapters while her boyfriend seems remarkably nice and not like he is going to leave her. Meanwhile, Kelly loves her job, basically she shoplifts and if she gets caught she tells the shop they have good security and if not...well, you get the gist. She is really snarky to everyone, even though they are all like "bitch, please". She enjoys her new life as a responsible citizen until one day she goes home and, I am not even kidding, there is  a huge beefy man smoking a giant cigar  there and threatening her. He tells her that she is supposed to fink on her boss because somewhere along the line she messed with him, in the financial sense. In return he will pay off all of her dad's debts and send her dad to Scotland. Seems logical. Also, a film is being filmed in their town/suburb and Emily and Freddie (her son) star in it until a sausage shoots someone or something and then they get the idea to sell homemade, local products in their store which is a huge success.  Not exactly in that order.  I would like to talk more about how a sausage shot someone but it is only briefly mentioned. How sad. Emily then thinks she is pregnant because her period is a day late and then she tells everyone she is knocked up and then she gets her period. Also, PLOT POINT AHEAD: Freddie has an evil teddy bear. Sandie gets annoyed at her boyfriend and her mother because they are getting along to well, so she deposits them at a bus stop and runs off to some village where she relives all her child/teen memories and ponders what to do. I want to do this. I love pondering. Everyone is very pondery. But what will they decide? WHAAT? I ask you!

Christmas Fromage- The Secret Shopper Unwrapped

Thursday,  17 November 2011

The Secret Shopper Unwrapped-Chapters 1-10 
Recap and Review

As Christmas is fast approaching, I thought it would be appropriate to have some Christmas cheer  cheese and it comes to you in the form of "The Secret Shopper Unwrapped" by Kate Harrison. I don't know if you can see it but the tagline for this book is "Shopping is for life, not just for Christmas" which is the most vague and meaningless tagline ever. Personally, I do shop all year round but but I'm not entirely sure that I would say that it greatly affects my life, and 'for life' seems like I am trapped shopping all year, like a shopping Ground Hog Day. I feel like someone could have written a book called "Bread: Is for eating, not just slicing". Anyway, I digress, I think this must be part of a series or something, but anyway, we meet our characters. Emily is a 'yummy mummy' except a bit frumpy according to herself. She is a semi-recent divorcee but that would never do for a Christmas book  so she has some hot boyfriend who is super awesome in every way and loves taking care of her son, Freddie. They own a shop of some kind but it is not doing well because no one, including us, dear readers, know what it sells. There are several mentions of the economic downturn which is fitting.

Next is Sandra/ Sandie. Important plot point ahead:she is black! She also has a super awesome, but white, boyfriend who's conservative family doesn't want any non-white people in it. She runs a consulting business where she basically goes to people's shops, tells them they're rubbish and how they should fix it. Is this a real job? Because, if so-I want it! I know of several shops that I would like to consult on this matter. Note to self: google this. However, Sandie is in the family way, which is uber crap for several reasons. A.)Her family is super conservative and doesn't believe in pre-marital shenanigans. B.) His family is uber conservative and doesn't believe in the mixing of the races. C.) She doesn't like kids. This brings us to another character-Kelly. Kelly is some chavvy girl who likes shoplifting (it's just like shopping!) and bailing her dad out of trouble with drug dealers or some other bad folks. She lives above some Argentineans with strange (not Spanish) accents. One of them is a security guard who busts her for shoplifting but lets her go on account of her bad family life. He gets her an interview with Sandie. Sandie spends the whole interview trying not to puke and Kelly spends the whole interview feeling sorry for herself. Sandie doesn't hire her on account of her running off  but due to mitigating circumstances she winds up with the job. However, this is all we find out for this time.

Our last character is Grazia. She is an Italian expat (presumably) Her husband died a few books years ago and she has decided it is time to get back on the horse, as it were, by having sex with some asshole who tells her her boobs are saggy and she's bad in the sack. Frankly, this would not be my method of getting 'my confidence back' but to each their own. I hope some upcoming chapters have a scene where she tells him his man-bits are wrinkly and then injects them with botox or something.

The gist is that these 3 ladies are super glamorous and go shopping a lot and have various misadventures. What these will be we will have to wait till next week.

Fromage Part 4-The Queen's Captive

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Mayhap are we never to be done with this book? When I was in Eighth Grade our teachers made us watch some low budget (let's face it, it was probably the BBC and/or CBC) production the evil torture devices that they used in The Tower of London back in the day. I'm not really sure what educational benefit this had but-hey, gross things to show teenagers! Anyway, I feel that most of Barbara Kyle's 'inspiration' came from these exact videos.

Honor is abducted and tortured on the rack, by John McSnoozeville Grenville, for many months (we assume) while hubby, Richard, rots away. I think these chapters are supposed to be HORRIFYING and TERRIBLE but I found them more SNOOZE and YAWN. Eventually Honor is freed, although, in her words she is now 'damaged goods'. She begs Adam to rescue her husband and he comes up with a most sensible plan of getting engaged to Frances. They make out in a barn while Adam feels like a 'cad'. They are interrupted by...you guessed it-HORSE SEX. Yee haaaw! Except instead of the horses just doing the nasty Grenville the douchebag appears to castrate the horse who limps of all unsatisfied and bleeding and eww. I have absolutely no idea what the purpose of this scene is. John Grenville is a huge jerk? It can't be to establish that he is a villain because we already know that due to the scar fingering incident.

Meanwhile Richard gets out of jail and starts raising an army which Honor discovers due to the horrible lying efforts of her sister or sister in law or somebody. Anyway, she is mad but they have sex in a barn too! Yee Haw. Oh please, I don't want to know about Honor's 'inexperience with men' when she was a teenager..oh, too late. Damn.

Princess Elizabeth has, meanwhile, also accidentally got engaged to someone she doesn't want to marry. (Big surprise, that seems to happen a lot in this book). She runs away with Adam and they have sex in a barn. Yee---oh never mind, this is the worst sex scene ever. The gist is, good old P Elizabeth has missed a few vital sex education classes but anyway, they manage to get it on. The only good part was when Adam took off his codpiece. I have a slight conceptual problem with this as, I mean, if he isn't even allowed to call her by her first name since she is a royal, it seems like beheading is the only thing that can come of deflowering her.
We are informed several times that this the HAPPIEST DAY OF ADAM'S LIFE.

I have absolutely had enough of all these characters, and frankly don't care what happens to any of them anymore. Adam agrees to marry Frances to keep all the family secrets hush hush. Richard gets attacked and kidnapped AGAIN. All their houses get burned down. If these people get kidnapped one more time...anyway, Honor's great plan is to get old P. Elizabeth to take the crown and make whatever laws she wants. She convinces Elizabeth but Elizabeth has other plans and gets herself named successor but doesn't free Richard. Honor takes matters into her own hands and gets into the Grenville's house and stabs him in the crotch. This book has way too much crotch stabnation and scar fingering for any book. She goes to jail but then the Queen dies and Elizabeth lets her go. Frances is 'with child', Adam is still a douchebag, everyone else is happy to see Honors daughter, Isabel, come home. Thank heavens this book has ended, the fuckwittery of these characters was reaching new levels! I am happy to say that I will not be reading any more of the books in this series. EVER.

Fromage -The Queen's Captive Part 3

Thursday, 27 October 2011

The Queen's Captive Chapters 13-19 Recap and Review

It is now some months later from where we left off last time and -wait what? no nursing back to health scenes? no secret sex having? no longing looks and wound cleaning? That's right, there are none. Note to Barbara Kyle--need to read more cheesy books, even Beauty and the Beast had a wound cleaning scene and that movie was for children! Anyway, it is now sometime in 1555 and Honor and her hubby, Richard, are strolling around town, while merry scenes of life in England pass them by. The dialogue is hilarious. It is all "shall we sup tonight?" "why yes, I love supping. Don't you? Godspeed. Some foul weather we're having!" Anyway, we know something bad is about to happen because people just don't go strolling around while boys toss bread about (this actually happens) without something bad happening. They go to see their good friend, George, only to find that he has been arrested and is about to be burned at the stake. They  do absolutely nothing about it but go off to see his burning-because who doesn't want to see their lifelong friends burned at the stake? Honor has flashbacks of the time she was nearly burned at the stake when suddenly-what ho! some hooligans try to rescue poor George but their attempts fail miserably and he dies. Honor mopes around for some time and then goes off to see the Queen again to report on Princess Elizabeth. There she encounters the evil Grenvilles who are all-"she's not Catholic. She's a TRAITOR." It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure THAT one out as Honor has done the poorest job ever of concealing her allegiances. Frances Grenville comes to the rescue though-even though she got some secrets from some crispy old priest about Honor's Wicked Ways- because she still has secret plans of the sex having with Adam. Honestly, this is the most boring sub-plot EVER. Meanwhile, in the House of Commons Richard is trying to get some law passed that would mean they aren't exiles anymore. These chapters are so dull, I think Barbara Kyle just transcribed some event from the Canadian House of Commons. Honor does not, as such, want to be burned at the stake AGAIN so she gets Richard and packs her trunks and make plans to hightail it out of there. Richard thinks running away is from losers so he decides to say to which Honor says "don't let the door hit you on your way out" and he is all "fine!" and then they go to divorce court and she gets the dog and he gets the house.

Meanwhile, Adam has gone to visit Elizabeth to brag about his 'big boat'. She is all, "uh I have no time for this peasant" and he is confused, once again. He has so far spent most of this book being confused and growing beards. He gets her to come talk to him and she is a pouty baby about it but eventually does it. She tells him that she has heard he is about to marry Frances. Oh, Frances, this is not how you lure a man! Anyway, Adam tells her, he is not marrying Frances and Elizabeth gets all husky voiced and says "show it to me". Adam is thinking to himself, what? right now? but we haven't even held hands yet? I was thinking-gosh she must be really into big boats if she wants to see his boat plans THAT bad. But no, she wants to see his scar from when he was shot. He takes his shirt off and she fingers his scar. I have never read a book with so much scar fingering in my life. He gets all turned on and they make out and she feels his 'hardness' and is surprised. What? Maybe they didn't have sex ed back then. Their make out session is interrupted by Honor informing them that Richard has been arrested. Adam and Honor do what any sensible people with a lot of contacts would do. They rally troops, raid the Queen's treasury and prepare for battle.  Princess Elizabeth throws a lot of temper tantrums but then changes her mind when she gets scared that she will "mayhap be dispatched to the scaffold". Honor tells her that she a whiny baby but then they remember their latin speaking bond and become friends again. The Queen surrounds Elizabeth's residence with guards and Honor has to sneak out with a load of money. They should really have invented notes by then. So off she goes carrying her weight in coins and dressed like a washing lady. She escapes the guards only to be busted by John Grenville, the dullest, scar fingering, villain of all time, who isn't fooled by her disguise. He stabs her and all the coins fall out of her costume and....that is all for this time!

Picture from michellerichmond.com

Fromage- The Queen's Captive Part 2

Wednesday, 19 October 2011
Here I am with my cup of tea on this brisk fall day, ready to bring you the highlights of The Queen's Captive.

The Queen's Captive
Chapters 4-12-Recap and Review


The Grenvilles-mortal enemies of the Thornleighs-are alarmed to find that they (the Thornleighs) are back in town. Until Frances, the lady of the house, meets Adam and decides she's going to jump his bones. Her flirting attempts are a bit weak if I might say so myself. She invites him to help her build a priory while secretly thinking that she wants him to master her like he masters his horse. Whatever that means. No, I'm only joking, I know what it means. OOER. Personally I think these thoughts are a bit unchaste for such a religious woman but anyway, we are in a period drama so-onward! Adam agrees to help her, even though he is secretly thinking-wtf? I am an atheist! What is a priory anyway? (Side note: Did they even have atheists back then? Just sayin') But he thinks helping her will help foster unity or something. His family is as dubious about this as I am! Also Frances' brother is set up as some sort of uber villian- he fingers his scar a lot (not a metaphor) and is a rapist. Unfortunately all this build up is for nought as he immediately disappears after the scar fingering incident. 


Meanwhile at Chez Princess Elizabeth, Honor is enjoying her career as laundress and proselytizer. She arranges a secret meeting for Elizabeth where they learn that the queen is going to have a baby and back in royal land things aren't going to well. There is much stab-nation between the Spaniards y los británicos. Honor uses her cunning wit and jewelry to convince Frances to take her to the Queen. (Apparently they are friends). Frances must be distracted by her burning loins because she agrees and off they go. The Queen is giant and pregnant and calls are her ladies over to celebrate, including Princess Elizabeth. They discover that the queen is not in fact pregnant after all. A fake baby! The intrigue! The drama! Either the queen is dumb or she was faking it which is still dumb unless she was planning on stealing a baby, which I guess could happen. Anyway, I digress. Adam meets Princess Elizabeth on a visit to his mother and nearly faints at the sight of her beauty. The book says it was her hair but I think it was a typo and should have said 'heaving bosoms'. The two become 'friends' with Frances skulking away at home and calling Elizabeth a whore, or daughter of a whore or something along those lines. Adam wants to build a big boat, because of course he does, and is chatting up the princess about it when she suddenly gives him a cold shoulder. He is all "what??" until he realises that she thinks he is using her. He goes back to apologize when he sees and arrow coming for the Princess and dives in front of her and gets shot, saving her life. Someone tells Honor and her hubby that Adam is dead but they obviously don't realise that they are in a period drama and that as Adam and Elizabeth haven't had sex yet, he can't possibly be dead. They rush to his bedside and we all know where this is going. Elizabeth will have to nurse him back to health which will give us plenty of time for potential sex-having and/or longing looks. 
However, those will have to wait until next time. 


Tea picture from Fat loss school

Fromage-A Book Club

As an avid reader I generally read whatever falls in my path. One genre I love to love and love to make fun of is-the "trashy" book genre: chic lit, best sellers, paperbacks. They are easy to read and can end a dull afternoon (not that I have any of those lately) and don't require much/any thought. As much as I love and thrive off of reading Shakespeare, the classics, "intellectual" books, I sometimes need a break. And to be fair, I truly believe that these authors like any other have a deep knowledge of their genre and fans and write accordingly. And the books are fun to read!

This month's fromage is The Queen's Captive by Barbara Kyle.

Chapters 1-3 Recap
Elizabeth is locked up by Queen Mary who is on a killing spree and butchering everyone who opposes her. This part is factual/somewhat factual.

Honor is an Englishwoman who has been exiled from merry old England. Her kiddies are up and leaving the nest, one is "with child" and off to the new world and one has just been dumped, which is convenient since the blurb says he is supposed to have a "connection" with Elizabeth. Honor gets called back to London to "advise" Elizabeth. Chapter Two ends with an ominous statement that Honor wants to make her Queen. Dramatic music please.

So far Elizabeth is a bit of a brat and basically throws a lot of non death related temper tantrums for someone who is supposedly about to be executed. And she speaks in Latin, which is good for her, I guess.

Chapter 1-3 Review
So far the fromage levels are low. The dialogue seems like it half came out of Coronation Street and half out of a BBC period piece production. Only one mention of 'bosoms'. I do enjoy the descriptions of the English country side and I suspect a pig roast is pending. Overall I am enjoying this so far!