Ah, how happy I am that Once Upon a Time has returned to the small screen, since I was sorely lacking things to make fun of. Many of the reviews I read said that Once Upon a Time really brought it with this premiere but I found it as ridiculous as ever. After revealing a new character in the opening we find ourselves back in Storybrooke where all the townspeople are rejoicing at discovering their true identities. Snow White and Prince Charming are finally able to be reunited and not feel guilty about their home wrecking ways but Emma is not so thrilled to be their daughter. No sooner are they high-fiving and bowing to each other when Jiminy shows up to tell them that an angry mob is headed to kill Regina. In a slight plot hole, Emma, Snow, Charming and even Henry are suddenly on Team Regina, despite spending the entire previous season plotting her untimely demise. Regina isn't all that worried about the mob and is about to magic them to death only to discover that she has no powers left. Snow decides that the best course of action is to lock her up and we can practically hear her cackling all the way to the jail cell.
Meanwhile in Fairytale land, a different Prince charming, called Philip kisses a different sleeping woman decked out in a twee pink dress while a vaguely Asian warrior looks on. As soon as she wakes up Sleeping Beauty starts her tirade of abuse about various subjects. Not for long though because soon a black dementor-in-training shows up to rain on their parade He clangs around,reusing the smoke monster sound affect from Lost for about two days before throwing a talisman at them and flying off. The mystery warrior removes her helmet to reveal that she is, in fact, a woman. She tells them that their attacker was a soul sucking wraith, fortunately none of them have been marked. Sleeping Beauty is not interested in this near death experience but what she is interested in is the fact that her boyfriend has been traipsing around with a woman for goodness knows how long. After exclaiming that "she's a woman" (well spotted!) about 70 billion times, we can just see that Mulan (that's who the mystery warrior is) about ready to slap this bitch into next week. Honestly I don't know what I found the most hilarious about this scene: a.) the fact that Mulan is the most Americanized Mulan ever orb.) Sleeping Beauty hollering about how she was a woman, I couldn't tell if she was mad that a woman was escorting her boyfriend around or flabergasted that a woman could, like, do battle and stuff. Unfortunately her boyfriend's potential philandering is the least of her worries because he has been marked by the wraith and is about to meet his maker.
Back in Storybrooke, Snow wants to talk to Emma about why she (Emma) isn't overjoyed to be reunited with her family. Frankly, I would not be overjoyed either if I found out my long lost parents were these two. Emma is all "you abandoned me and even though I am a grown ass woman I am still moping about it". After they get that out of their system they decide to go talk to Mr. Gold about the issues of the day, ie: what the heck was the pink smoke monster, why doesn't Regina have powers and why is Ginnifer Goodwin still being dressed like a dowdy Grandma? Gold has been reunited with Belle and is busy doing his own thing. He tells them that they should be thanking him for reuniting them and disposing of Regina. Because everyone is suddenly on Team Regina,they aren't buying this. Little do they know that Gold has called up his old friend the wraith, marked Regina with the talisman and considered his work done. The wraith rollsup and accepts his award as best special affect this show has ever seen. Then he gives it back because the soul-sucking scene was totally ridiculous. Emma, harming and Snow get therejust in the nick of time and hairspray the wraith until it flies off. Ha! As if an ancient and immortal being is scared of a bit of Treseeme.
Back in Fairytale land Philip and Sleeping Beauty are celebrating their love while Mulan gives them the side eye. I'm sure she's thinking, "I've been following this weird British guy around to help him rescue this selfish ho?!" Philip sneaks off to call the wraith and when they discover he's gone the girls take a slightly different approach. Beauty starts whining like a little girl while Mulan hatches an action plan. She tells Beauty that she 'obviously doesn't know what sacrifice is'. Beauty does what any mature lady who is about to lose the love of her life does, and starts calling Mulan a slut who's in love with Philip but Mulan glares her into submission and they go off to find their prince. Unfortunately it's too late and the wraith is en route. Mulan offers to sacrifice herself but Philip is having none of it. The wraith kills Philip while the two girls stand around screaming like fools.
In Storybrooke, Regina gets out the hat to send the wraith to oblivion since apparently Fairytale land doesn't exist anymore (did that happen last season because I don't remember at all?) Snow, Charming, Emma and Regina chase the wraith around with brooms on fire (if I ever start a band I'm calling them Brooms on Fire) but the wraith is elusive. Eventually Regina, Emma and Snow all dive into the hat leaving Charming alone in Storybrooke. This is concerning since has been quite useless so far so how he is going to save this situation, I have no idea. This definitely wasn't a perfect episode but it was certainly better than most episodes last season
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