Fromage Part 4-The Queen's Captive

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Mayhap are we never to be done with this book? When I was in Eighth Grade our teachers made us watch some low budget (let's face it, it was probably the BBC and/or CBC) production the evil torture devices that they used in The Tower of London back in the day. I'm not really sure what educational benefit this had but-hey, gross things to show teenagers! Anyway, I feel that most of Barbara Kyle's 'inspiration' came from these exact videos.

Honor is abducted and tortured on the rack, by John McSnoozeville Grenville, for many months (we assume) while hubby, Richard, rots away. I think these chapters are supposed to be HORRIFYING and TERRIBLE but I found them more SNOOZE and YAWN. Eventually Honor is freed, although, in her words she is now 'damaged goods'. She begs Adam to rescue her husband and he comes up with a most sensible plan of getting engaged to Frances. They make out in a barn while Adam feels like a 'cad'. They are interrupted by...you guessed it-HORSE SEX. Yee haaaw! Except instead of the horses just doing the nasty Grenville the douchebag appears to castrate the horse who limps of all unsatisfied and bleeding and eww. I have absolutely no idea what the purpose of this scene is. John Grenville is a huge jerk? It can't be to establish that he is a villain because we already know that due to the scar fingering incident.

Meanwhile Richard gets out of jail and starts raising an army which Honor discovers due to the horrible lying efforts of her sister or sister in law or somebody. Anyway, she is mad but they have sex in a barn too! Yee Haw. Oh please, I don't want to know about Honor's 'inexperience with men' when she was a teenager..oh, too late. Damn.

Princess Elizabeth has, meanwhile, also accidentally got engaged to someone she doesn't want to marry. (Big surprise, that seems to happen a lot in this book). She runs away with Adam and they have sex in a barn. Yee---oh never mind, this is the worst sex scene ever. The gist is, good old P Elizabeth has missed a few vital sex education classes but anyway, they manage to get it on. The only good part was when Adam took off his codpiece. I have a slight conceptual problem with this as, I mean, if he isn't even allowed to call her by her first name since she is a royal, it seems like beheading is the only thing that can come of deflowering her.
We are informed several times that this the HAPPIEST DAY OF ADAM'S LIFE.

I have absolutely had enough of all these characters, and frankly don't care what happens to any of them anymore. Adam agrees to marry Frances to keep all the family secrets hush hush. Richard gets attacked and kidnapped AGAIN. All their houses get burned down. If these people get kidnapped one more time...anyway, Honor's great plan is to get old P. Elizabeth to take the crown and make whatever laws she wants. She convinces Elizabeth but Elizabeth has other plans and gets herself named successor but doesn't free Richard. Honor takes matters into her own hands and gets into the Grenville's house and stabs him in the crotch. This book has way too much crotch stabnation and scar fingering for any book. She goes to jail but then the Queen dies and Elizabeth lets her go. Frances is 'with child', Adam is still a douchebag, everyone else is happy to see Honors daughter, Isabel, come home. Thank heavens this book has ended, the fuckwittery of these characters was reaching new levels! I am happy to say that I will not be reading any more of the books in this series. EVER.