Beastly, Twilight and B-Movies

The last two films (and I use that term loosely) that I saw were Beastly with Vanessa Hudgens and some guy I don't know, and a very bad B (or c) movie with, well, no one, which was called Mega Shark vs.Giant Octopus, the plot of which should be self explanatory. There's no denying that Mega Shark was TERRIBLE. I was laughing aloud at the hilarity of it. However, I still rate this movie above Beastly. The thing is that B movies know they're B movies, everyone is laughing together, film maker and audience united in bad film making. But films like Beastly which follow in Twilight's footsteps, leave me with the unnerved feeling that somewhere some film maker is sitting smugly back and thinking of all the teenagers and, let's face it, adults, who are forking over their $10.95 to see these badly made films.The problem is on one hand that these films appear to have a moral, but on closer inspection said moral doesn't stand up. Secondly it seems that the film makers seem to believe their audiences are completely gullible. Although, in fact it doesn't matter, because whether they are or aren't they're stilling forking over their 11 bucks. The Twilight series, among it's cinematic problems, is sexist, but instead everyone hails them as models for young girls.  I mean, besides the fact that Edward is a creepy boyfriend who controls Bella, there is the fact that Bella has no control over or her own identity or sexuality. Edward won't put out unless they're married, so what's the moral here? That girls have to be chaste? That  they should get married at 18 so they can have sex? But back to the issue at hand. Beastly is a reworking of Beauty and the Beast but can't hold a candle to the Disney Classic. More or less it's like so. Kyle is some hot guy who basically has no personality at all and makes fun of 'ugly' people, who in this case are people with tattoos. Now, I know it's been a while since I was in high school but I'm pretty sure tattoos are still cool. Anyway, he is running for president of the Green Committee and his slogan is Embrace the Suck, which, well, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?  Mary Kate Olsen is a witch with lots of tattoos, well, ok, one, and goth make up so Kyle REALLY hates her. She puts a spell on him and he becomes ugly. Again, he is not really ugly just tattooed and still with his trim figure and those good things. His love interest  is Vanessa Hudgens.  Let me just pause to say that the opening scenes of this film were so obvious I felt that someone had leaped out of the theatre screen and hit me over the head. A song about vanity plays while we see shots of adverts filled with beautiful people. So Vanessa Hudgens is Lindy. The 'indie' girl. She has no personality but likes coffee, jujubes and sings out loud with her headphones on. She has big headphones so we know that she is listening to Death Cab for Cutie instead of 50cent. Her dad is a drug addict and bought some drugs that he didn't pay for. I didn't know drug dealers had a buy now, pay  later plan but anyway, one day he is arguing with his Hispanic drug dealers when he accidentally kills one. Kyle leaps in and somehow convinces crack head dad that Lindy should come live with him for her safety. I guess he is aided by dad's drug addled mind. Anyway so now Lindy, Beastie, the Jamaican maid and Neil Patrick Harris are living together. Do I really have to explain the rest of the film? There is, unfortunately, no musical household appliances but they 'fall in love'. There is no actual romance but a lot of romantic songs so we know they are falling in love and Kyle is learning his lesson. I guess. He doesn't really seem to show more concern for anyone.He wants to be unuglified. Well, ok, he wants Neil Patrick Harris to see and the Jamaican woman to have her kids back but COME ON. What kind of cold hearted sod wouldn't want that for someone they knew? Anyway, they fall in love, he turns back into good looking Kyle and she isn't even bewildered by his transformation, because I guess that happens all the time nowadays. So, it's obvious that the film is crap. But there were other problems. Lindy forgives Kyle's douchebaggery  as 'honesty'. The message of vanity is somehow diminished by the fact that everyone, is good looking, and ultimately no one in this film has to step too far out of their comfort zones to actually become good people. I guess my main objection to these films is that the challenges aren't real, in the end, everyone gets what they want without too much effort or suffering. On the bright side, Beastly introduced me to the phrase "fattycakes" so there is that.