Look, as you know, I've seen a lot of bad movies, A LOT, but I've never seen a bad movie so utterly pointless as Bigfoot Island. I'll admit that I only watched this movie to make judgmental comments about it, but that does not undermine the reality that this movie was one giant, stinking turd that has no reason to exist. The plot can be summed up in a sentence: young, shirtless guys are killed by a man in a bigfoot costume who is controlled by a young woman, also, yay for trees. There was no dialogue, no gore, no special effects, no...anything. There were however, the same 3 or 4 shots used over and over and over again. The movie progresses as follows, a young, shirtless guy is jogging on an island for what seems an eternity, he is stalked by some villainous being who does nothing. Meanwhile a pretty hipster girl lurks in the woods watching him. A phone call provides us with a bit of exposition, some more guys are coming to the 'small' island for an annual retreat. Finally the stalking being, Bigfoot, or rather, someone in a bigfoot costume, strikes. He bitch slaps the hiking dude and...that's it. I have never been so disappointed in my life. There was not a drop of blood shown in the movie, no one discovers this body and wonders what happens or what will happen to them. A seemingly unending parade of guys show up on the island and are killed similarly, except for one guy who is killed with a kayak after some poorly planned suntanning. Phone calls between them provide us with some 'dialogue', although I use that term extremely loosely. Combined with some flashbacks that the hipster girl gives us we deduce that these shirtless arseholes drank too much the previous year and gang raped her, some of them feel bad, some not so much. No one in this movie can act but what's worse is that there is nothing here for them to act. 95% of the movie consists of them running, running on the beach, running in the woods, running up a hill, down a hill, by some deforested British Columbia scenery. Most of this movie could be an advertisement for scenic Vancouver Island. Soon we realise the girl is controlling Bigfoot for revenge, which would be awesome except that the ending reveals that she wasn't gang raped, they just harassed her a bit, which I am not making an excuse for but still, it doesn't exactly warrant all of their deaths does it? To make matters worse she threatens the one guy who has spent most of his time at the cabin showering and looking like Justin Bieber and actually saved her from GANG RAPE with imminent death if he doesn't stay with her on the island. He looks confusedly around saying "but my friends, why? how? what? why? my friends...WHAT?". Which is frankly how I felt at this point too, except instead of 'my friends' I was saying 'my brain'. I mean, you can kind of see the point of bad movies right? They're funny or self referential or gory or scary or just plain fun but there was nothing of any of that in this movie. I can't imagine who thought this was a good idea, it's not even sexy. But never mind the fact that this movie was insufferably boring, it's actually an insult to...everyone. Perhaps it's trying to be an 'art film' but it's not an art film, it's just an attack on good taste and good art. It's dull, it's pointless, it's stupid and frankly I feel the term 'homoerotic' is too good to apply to this film completely void of all eroticism of any kind. I mean, I am a straight-ish woman and I could probably find 100 things more homoerotic than this in 5 minutes on google, that would be free. Honestly, I think at the end of all this torture, the most appalling thing is that iTunes, Amazon and other retailers would charge a price that is surely more than the total cost it took to make this film, just to rent it.
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